The sensual hug is a way of holding, touching and relating to a woman, that helps her feel safe, connected, and turned on, before you touch her anywhere sexual. It’s not one “trick” but rather a set of principles and techniques that you can carry into foreplay, sensual massage, and sex itself. It combines presence, communication, physical movements, and the right pacing. Most men think that great sex is all about what happens in bed. Actually, the truth is that everything you do before sex and outside the bedroom affects what happens between the sheets, and the sensual hug is where that starts.

What are the benefits of the Sensual Hug ?

There are many benefits to the Sensual Hug. It’s a way to build intimacy with your clothes on, and even in a public setting. It’s arousing and pleasurable by itself, for both of you. It builds trust and connection, and helps her feel safe and relaxed with you instead of on guard. The Sensual Hug sharpens your own sensitivity and intuition as a lover. It moves you away from genital-focused and goal-oriented sex, where the only thing that counts is the finish.

If you’re single, it’s part of courtship, and it will make you more attractive in ordinary social situations and flirting, long before anything sexual is on the table. If you’re already in a relationship, you still need to flirt, court, and seduce her. Don’t assume she owes you sex just because you’re together. This kind of touch, unhurried and without a goal, can bring a breath of fresh air back into a stale sex life.  And for a woman whose boundaries have been crossed before, being held this way can be healing in itself.

Why don’t most men know how to do this?

As a sex coach, I often hear women complain about the mistakes men make:

1. Stuck in their heads, too focused on technique.
2. Touching her as if she’s a man
3. Rushing towards sexual and genital touch
4. Doing too much, too fast, too direct, too intense
5. Or the opposite mistake: too afraid to do anything, so they keep asking for directions, or freeze and do nothing.

Most women won’t tell you when this is happening. They go along with it rather than say it’s not working. Then they either break up with you, or become grumpy and frustrated.

If you recognize some of these mistakes, that’s not your fault. Nobody taught us this. We grew up in a society that doesn’t teach us about love and pleasure, and instead we get brainwashed by porn and mass media. One of the first things to learn is the differences in arousal between women and men.

How are men’s and women’s arousal different ?

Men and women are different in how they get aroused, in what they consider attractive, pleasurable, safe and exciting.

I need to make some generalizations, but they are generally true for most people.

Here are a few of these differences:

• Men are direct. They “go for it” in a straight line. Women prefer an indirect, circular approach.
• Men get aroused quickly. Women take time to get aroused, to be ready for intimate touch, to have sex, and to orgasm.
• Men focus on doing, while women focus on feeling
• Men want their genitals touched before the rest of their bodies. Women want their whole body touched before their genitals. Specifically, a woman’s chest and breasts need to be activated before she’s ready for her vagina to be touched.
• Many men don’t need an emotional connection in order to have sex. Women need to first feel a basic level of trust, and to have an emotional connection, before they can be penetrated.
• A man who touches a woman the way that he wants to be touched actually does the opposite of what works for her.

How to make her feel safe and turned on?

The safer and more relaxed a woman feels with you, the more potential there is for arousal, sex and orgasm.

It’s not about tips and techniques, but rather about mindset, approaches, and your state-of-being.

So, how to help a woman feel safe in your arms? Consider these approaches and principles:

Mindset and presence:

• Relating with a woman starts the moment you meet, not when you get into bed
• When you’re relaxed, it helps her become more relaxed.
• Stay connected to the present moment instead of planning what to do next.
• Arousal comes after relaxation, safety and connection
• Bring awareness to all the parts of your bodies that are touching each other. Each part is meeting, hugging, communicating with the other person.
• Touch her to pleasure her, but also enjoy her body for yourself, as long as her pleasure comes first.

Consent and communication:

• Ask her for consent, and then ask her to invite you to touch her
• Say YES to affirm the woman’s feelings and expressions. Ask her “Yes?” to check how she’s doing and encourage her to say “yes” if she enjoys what you’re doing
• Both of you should give positive feedback (what’s working) rather than negative feedback (what’s not)
• The woman can just receive, or touch you as you are touching her, or you can pause and let the woman pleasure you and explore your body.
• If she starts crying, keep holding her, tell her that it’s ok to cry, and repeat with a soft voice “Yes… Yes.. Let it out…”. Once a woman releases stagnant emotions, there is more place for pleasure.

Physical:

• Natural soft breath helps relaxation, safety, connection, and is a form of touch
• Hold steady with one hand, allow your other hand to explore her.
• Touch softer and slower than you usually do.
• Combine stillness with movement – Hold her with one hand, and caress her with the other hand. She learns to trust you with her body weight, and later she might trust you with her body.
• Combine softness and firmness. Your firmness is providing a structure, and communicating “You are safe in my arms”. Your softness is saying “I care about you and your wellbeing; I will be soft and considerate with your heart, and with your body”.

Pacing and escalation:

• Wait longer than usual when you want to escalate – Have a gradual approach.
• Hinting – Get close to erogenous zones and explore near them before touching them.
• Pausing – Pause when you touch a new place or change position.
• A constant rhythm of movement feels safe.
• Don’t do too much at the same time.

How to start the Sensual Hug?

This guide presents the Sensual Hug as a structured exercise. You can do it as it is, or take parts of it and integrate it into your foreplay to help your woman feel safe and turned on. I recommend that the first time you share it with your partner, you avoid having sex, and instead put all your time and focus on this exercise.

If you prefer to watch a video, check out “Basics of female pleasure”, a video training where I teach men how to connect with and pleasure a woman more deeply than most think is possible. It also includes the Sensual Hug, demonstrated with a beautiful woman who shares how it makes her feel.

So, how to start the Sensual Hug?

First, relax your body and breath. Let go of any expectations. Remind yourself how much you like, love and appreciate this woman.

Start by holding her hands and looking into her eyes. Your hands should hold hers somewhere between soft and firm. Err on the soft side. Tell her how beautiful she is, and how much you love her. Actually feel the truth of what you’re saying. Caress her hands gently. Make your exhalation audible to remind her to breathe. Then look at her face, her lips, and down at her body. Some women will enjoy you looking at their bodies with love and reverence, but other women might be triggered, especially if you don’t know each other yet. Consider giving her a compliment she hasn’t heard before, eg not just “Your eyes are beautiful”, but “I love your high cheekbones” or “Your full eyebrows are so beautiful”. Ask her how she feels to hear this, and invite her to express what she appreciates about your body and presence.

Occasionally, you can synchronize your breathing, but otherwise keep it natural and relaxed. You don’t need to sync your breath as long as you’re aware you are breathing together.

Bring your love and awareness down into your genitals. Receive the woman’s love and caring from her heart into yours. Keep the energetic connection between your genitals and your heart, and between both of you. If you don’t know what i’m talking about, don’t worry about it – Just keep going with what you understand and gradually you’ll become more aware of the subtle and energetic aspects.

Proceed to hugging the woman, with one foot between her feet. Place one hand on her lower back and another hand on the back of her heart. Make sure your hands are relaxed. Caress her very lightly by occasionally gently moving your fingers. Later, you can also put your hand on her upper chest.

You can gently rock from side to side. This gentle movement creates stability and safety. We call it a “Sensual hug”, but it’s also a sensual dance. You don’t need to know how to dance. Just hugging and swaying side to side is a simple dance. Other than rocking side to side, you could also move in a small circular motion.

After holding her for a while, start moving one of your hands along her body, caressing her, feeling her clothes and her skin under your hand. Keep a gentle touch and go slower and softer than what you usually do. Explore the “Hinting touch”: Before you escalate, kiss, or touch anywhere sexual, stay on the edge of the sexy area or action. Instead, you can caress her upper belly, the sides of her torso. shoulders and upper chest, even moving your hand lightly between her breasts, but without touching them. It’s like saying to her, without words, “I know your lips/breasts/ass/vagina/body is right there, and I’m going to take my time before touching it”.

You can also use “The Pause” approach: Whenever you change position, do something new or touch somewhere you haven’t touched before, just pause for a few seconds to a minute. Feel yourself and each other. Occasionally check in verbally.
Instead of the overwhelm that comes from touching too fast, The Pause and The Hinting Touch create relaxation, trust, anticipation, and arousal. It allows her to relax and feel the sensation. The same principle carries into foreplay, sensual massage, and sex itself. To know more about the “The Pause” and “The Hinting Touch” techniques, click here.

At any point, if she’s having a reaction to your touch, such as a sigh, moan, or a convulsion, just keep doing whatever you were doing. Don’t change. Don’t add. If it works – don’t fix it. If her body starts to move and undulate, support her movement. Regardless of the plans you have in your head, feel where she is and meet her there. You’re not leading her – The sexual energy is leading you both.

The face and neck are also sensitive and erogenous zones of the body that don’t get enough attention. You can touch and caress her face and lips, which is hinting on kissing. Touching the face also deepens your intimacy and her trust. It brings more love, affection and tenderness into your foreplay, and later, your love making.

Then, you can start hinting towards her ass – caress her lower back, the sides of her hips, her tailbone, and reach down to caress her outer thighs or the side of her upper legs. You can hold your hand on her upper thighs, just under her ass cheeks, and gently pull outwards – That’s actually pulling on her labia indirectly. After some time, if it feels right, you can touch her ass. As before, start with just holding her ass, and then start caressing it.

After some time where you were hugging face to face, you can change position.

Sensual hug from behind – Touching her breasts

Turn her around and stand with your front to her back. Place one hand on her upper chest, and another on her middle belly or lower belly. Pause. Feel her. Let her feel you. Many women have issues with their bellies, and holding her belly is a sign that you love, appreciate, enjoy and are aroused by her belly, not just by her breasts and ass. The belly is another important erogenous zone that you can awaken and charge with sexual energy. Not by doing anything, but by not-doing-anything, just holding and breathing together. Holding the lower belly also hints on her genitals. It’s like saying “I know your vagina is right there, and i’m not going there yet”.

After a short while, your hands can explore her body while you’re standing behind her. Touch her hair, face, lips, neck, chest, belly, upper thighs, and hands. She can touch you as well, or stay more receptive, both work. Don’t touch her breasts yet.

While you’re standing behind her, you can gently cover her eyes with your hand. Whisper in her ears how much you love her, how beautiful she is.

Important note: Your mindset, communication, and pacing are very important. Re-read the section “How to make her feel safe and turned-on” above, and even print it so you can look at it often. That’s the basis for foreplay and later sex.

Touch and caress her upper belly, upper chest, middle chest, and the side of her torso close to her breasts. Use a gentle touch, or place your hand on her body and pause.

Then you can hold your hand just under her breast. Your thumb or index fingers can rest on her bra line, or if she has large breasts, a bit lower on her upper belly. The idea is that you hold your hand UNDER her breast, not touching her breast, yet. This builds anticipation and a yearning to be touched. After holding your hand under her breast for a while, her breasts will fill up with energy, and she might think “ok i’m ready for him to touch my breasts.. I want him to touch my breasts… why isn’t he touching my breasts?!”. I remember dating this beautiful Italian woman in Melbourne. After me hinting and circling her breasts for a while, she took my hand and put it on her breast. This might happen to you as well.

Some women might feel agitated because they don’t feel much and want you to do something, or conversely because they feel a build up of energy and pleasure, and don’t know what to do with it.

After a few minutes, if you haven’t touched her breast yet, you can ask her “Would you like me to hold your breast?”, especially if it’s one of your first dates, but consider asking even if you’ve been together for 20 years. You can go one step further and ask her if she can INVITE you to touch her breast when she feels like it. She can say something like “Darling, please touch my breasts”. This gives her the freedom and empowerment to ask for what she wants, rather than just providing her consent.

When you do touch her breasts, don’t grab nor squeeze them. Just hold her breast from below and slightly raise her breast up. Let her breast rest in your hand. Remember the breasts are not only nipples, they start from below the shoulders, and extend from the side of the torso to the middle of the chest. Don’t pull or squeeze her nipples. Simply cupping her breasts can be pleasurable and orgasmic – You don’t need friction or stimulation. Feel that you’re receiving love from her breast, not just giving her pleasure.

As you’re holding her breasts, become deeply aware of the sensations in your hand – the texture of her skin, the tiny contours of her nipples, the softness of her breasts, the ribs underneath, how the sensation changes as she’s breathing and getting more turned on. The more sensitive your hands are, and the more energy you’re able to conduct through them, the better lover you become.

Many women have issues with their breasts – not the right size or shape, not sensitive enough, touched inappropriately, or feeling the effects of age. When you bring your attention, love and appreciation to her breasts, you also bring much-needed healing.

After you remove your hand from your breast, pause briefly to allow her to feel the sensations.

Sensual hug – Conclusion and what’s next

Keep exploring each other’s bodies while standing and hugging, or sit on a sofa. Ask her how she feels and if she wants a different touch. Ask her to touch you the way you like. And generally just focus on having fun and getting to know each other.

After some time, start kissing. First kiss her cheeks and the sides of her mouth. Then press your lips unto her lips with your mouths closed. Pause and breathe. Wait before inserting your tongue into her mouth, and when you do, do it gently and gradually. Kissing is a topic that deserves its full guide.

I recommend that the first time you explore this exercise, take ample time for it, and possibly avoid sex and even genital touch. Put all the focus on hugging, kissing, and gentle foreplay. Next time you can integrate it into your foreplay and remember that the same mindset and approaches work in sex as well.

If you wanna learn more, watch the ‘Sensual Hug’ video guide, where I demonstrate this in real time with a woman who also describes what it feels like from her side. It’s part of “Basics of female pleasure” where I teach men how to connect with and pleasure a woman more deeply than most think is possible. Register to the program here, or enter your details below:

FAQ

Q: Does a sensual hug have to lead to sex or orgasm?
A: When you start practicing this, it’s better you avoid sex that evening, and instead spend a loooong time on hugging and non-genital foreplay.

Q: What makes you qualified to write this guide?
A: I’ve actually studied conscious and sacred sexuality and had meaningful sexual experiences with hundreds of women. I’ve been working professionally since 2009. See my short bio below.

Q: Both me and my girlfriend are virgins – will this work for us ?
A: Totally. It will teach you how to relate to each other with love, respect, sensitivity, and sensuality. It will show you what each of you enjoy and want more of. When the day comes and you will make love, it will give you the right principles and approaches to have a beautiful love-making experience

Q: I’ve been watching porn for many years – Will this work for me?
A: For sure! The principles and approaches in the beginning of this guide are an antidote to the objectification, disrespect, disconnection and aggression inherent even in soft porn. Take a few meetings to explore only hugging, kissing and gentle foreplay. Develop your sensitivity. Ask your partner for feedback. Then after a few days or weeks, have penetrative sex while using the same principles.

Q: We love each other, but we often lose the connection after we start foreplay. What to do?
A: Remember this is not only about technique and the physical things you do. Rather, it’s about consent, communication, pacing and your mindset. Re-read the section “How to make her feel safe and turned-on” in the beginning of the guide.

Q: This text is long – Do you have a video that teaches this?
A: YES! I have a free 2 hour video training that includes the Sensual hug, sensual touch, breast massage and more. To watch “The basics of female pleasure” program, click here.

About the author

Hi, I’m Eyal Matsliah, Sex coach at IntimatePower.com. I’ve been studying and practicing Tantra and conscious sexuality for 20+ years, and have been working professionally since 2009 with hundreds of clients. I’ve published the book “Orgasm Unleashed – Your guide to pleasure, healing and power”, a sexuality guide for women and those who love them, which has been endorsed by female sexuality leaders. I’ve also shared thousands of conscious foreplay and sacred love making encounters, which have taught me a lot.