Witnessing a violent gang rape many years ago was one of the key moments in my life.
It has deeply influenced how I relate to women and to sex.
More over, it has shaped my life mission – Teaching and coaching women and men to resolve trauma, have amazing sex, and use it to transform their whole life.
It was early 1989, during a characteristically mild winter in Israel. On weekends, my friends and I would either go out or attend birthday parties.
One evening, I went out with a group of my class mates, and all of a sudden found myself watching a woman being violently raped by a group of men.
She was a young gorgeous woman, in her early to mid 20s, petite and sexy, with beautiful blue eyes and dyed blond hair.
As she stepped into that pub, and grabbed a drink, she started dancing sensually and flirting with the guys. I remember being infatuated by watching her dance, and envious of those strong guys she was flirting with. I wanted to be one of them. I was looking intently to see what they did or said, so I could do it as well. I yearned to have what they had.
She started dancing with one guy in particular; rubbing up against him. I was mesmerized.
But suddenly, things took a different turn.
In that side room of the pub, the guy she was dancing with started undressing her. When she tried to resist, his friends joined in, taking her clothes off and holding her down as he started raping her. She was shouting and fighting but they were obviously stronger than her. Things happened so fast I could hardly follow what was going on. The other guys were clapping and cheering from the side. When he was done, another guy took over and penetrated her. And then another.
I felt panic and anxiety. I was disgusted and nauseated. I was afraid I would puke or pass out. I couldn’t watch that anymore.
I had to leave.
But how could I? My friends were there all around me. What would they think of me if I left?
Ask yourself, what would you have done?
One of my male friends, a short and stout soccer player, turned to me excited and said “Wow, he’s really giving it to her!”
He’s really giving it to her…
I felt astonished and disgusted by his remark.
As the minutes went by, I became disconnected, watching the scene from far away, as if through a tunnel.
I felt as if it was me who was being raped.
I wanted it to stop. I wanted it to end. I wanted to do something. I wanted to help her.
But there was nothing I could do.
You see, I wasn’t in the room with that woman and those horrible men.
My friends and I were watching a film at the local cinema.
But this film felt more real to me than any film I’d ever seen.
This experience has influenced my whole life, and shaped how I see myself as a man, how I see and interact with women, and how my sex life has unfolded.
I vowed never to treat women like that. For the rest of my adolescence I never tried to convince any of my (few) partners to have sex, and instead, engaged in hours of kissing, touching, exploring, and foreplay that didn’t lead to sex. I learned to enjoy every moment, every place in her body, without needing to achieve a goal.
When I became sexually active, I celebrated and cherished every sexual encounter, and every aspect of it. The focus was not just to pleasure my partner, but also to bring healing.
In the first years of my sexual explorations, I was making love softly, because I associated being rough with the rape I saw on the screen that evening.
But as the years passed, I have learned to embrace the whole range of the sexual expression – from soft and angelic, to intense, raw, ravishing sex. Rough sex, if done with love and awareness, can be amazingly tender.
In 2005, when I discovered Tantra, I received both the framework and the techniques that led me to become a sexual healer, and later, to hold sexuality and relationship workshops around the world.
I have since worked with, coached and taught thousands of people, and my current mission is to reach over a million people by 2019.
That film was called “The accused”.
Thank you Jodie Foster.
You have changed my life.
This is part of the introduction from my upcoming book. Register below to receive a sample chapter.